Okay, Okay! Enough of Ian! Unleash the Maria!

Maria. Turned back at the Rio Grande after attempting to swim across while pushing her paraplegic autistic daughter on a reed raft. Handmaid.

Okay, Okay!  Enough of Ian! Unleash the Maria!
One of the endless Maria News Zombies 

Everybody remember where we parked.

Maria preparing to bare her soul for the 27th time this year

Already being front-loaded at near hurricane strength into the barrels of media bluster and blather will be the endless "Maria" stories aimed at denigrating and damaging Governor DeSantis. Within the next three days, the flood-sodden Maria stories will be pumped out of a hundred media outlets to be immediately replicated by ten thousand Twitterbots in an intense round of retweeting autofellatio.  The aptly named headlines will all be a variation of "Papertowel DeSantis! Worse Than Trump!" Marias will come swarming out of the low-lying poor Florida neighborhoods like Bill Burr's "epidemic of gold-digging whores."

Once upon a time I had an intimate relationship in which I learned in pillow talk what went on in story conferences at the New York clone of NPR. In these Sancta Sanctorum meetings, one was often asked if the morning story line-up could be juiced up with a "Maria Story."

The "Maria Story"  was a handcrafted piece of journalistic lying through dramaturgy. The assigned journalist --who knew what was expected of him-- visited one of his minority harems of (mostly) women who excelled at projecting a quiet dignity shining through their grave situation. These "assets" as it were had mastered the art of faking sincerity so the rest came easy; especially the standard "Maria Story" situation. This situation could be of the every suffering Maria who was turned back at the Rio Grande after attempting to swim across while pushing her paraplegic autistic daughter on a reed raft. Handmaid.

Since this was news from the days of morning NPR radio throbbing in the background of liberal kitchens across the land the only limit to the imagery was that of the "reporter's" imagination and the sound engineer's library of effects. And you didn't have to look your best, as those who have met Terry Gross will attest.

The designated Maria would be introduced by the reporter laying out her dire situation in as much breathlessness as being subtle about being breathless is allowed.  Then there would be perhaps a few river sounds in the background. Then maybe one would hear the faint whiff of illegals being rounded up and horsewhipped from horseback in the far background. And then Maria begins to speak Spanish for a phrase of two and then we fade up the solemn translator letting us have a big blast about Maria's dire situation right between the eyes. Game. Set. Match  Maria at NPR.

Ian's about to take his turn in the annals of great Maria stories.

Although Florida does have a high Hispanic population my money is on the use of poor African-Americans in swept-away trailer parks. This is for two reasons:

1) The FakeNews Maria hacks love using African-Americans in desperate situations because they can not only report the very real and very deadly and very heartbreaking stories like this they can make it "raaaaacist". How many trailer parks will be swept away by Ian is unknown but you will rarely find a story on national news when a cracker trailer park gets swept out to sea.

2) The Ian/Maria stories have a built-in blame factor  for DeSantis as a raaaaacist governor because he allowed a Class 4 Hurricane to ravage central Florida and cause massive destruction -- some of which involved a few chose African-Americans to classic Maria status.

Indeed, being a group of African-American hurricane victims that suffered hurricane damage due to the raaaaacism of Governor DeSantis could result in a large payday for all involved. The national status and celebrity of being an official Ian/Maria Victim make sure all insurance claims were paid in full and then some. This would remain true even in the case where the claimant never had an insurance policy at all.

Then there would be the inevitable Go-Fund-Me pages run by all and sundry to try to Hoover up some spare change out of the world's couches.

All in all, ka-ching! will abound all around.

The upshot of this will be to have the news cycle saturated for at least a week or so with "Racist DeSantis" selected as the new "2-Minute Hate." Rember when these Maria stories start to come in from all angles that these are the stories for which the Mute Button was made.

Ave Maria!

Black shanty town in Florida. Is that from today or last year or the 1990s. Does it matter? Not to those of The Maria Story.